It's kids' week on the Sewing Bee, and I am definitely excited for this and yay children and I'm definitely not horrified at the mere concept of babies you must be thinking of someone else.
First up is the pattern challenge, so everyone is given a weird-ass babygro pattern with poppers down one leg and warned about the dangers of an inaccurately-sewn gusset. They pick their stretchy kid-friendly fabrics and get down to the business of cutting out. The importance of cutting out accurately is stressed to us, and then Ghislaine immediately does hers wrong. This will be a theme for the evening.
Josh makes his own T-shirts and so actually prefers working with jersey, which the judges speculate might give him an advantage. This is all very well, but the fact remains that Josh is wearing a backwards baseball cap, which wasn't acceptable even when it was a thing and in 2016 I think you can actually be arrested for it.
Charlotte never made babygros for any of her kids, because they throw up and poo on it then immediately outgrow it, so it's pointless to spend the time and energy. Fair. "I love the throw-up and the poo," says Claudia tearfully, "it's my favourite bit of parenting."
Gusset time! Jamie says "I don't want any kinks or puckers in my gusset, if I can help it" and I snigger because in all truth, I am the child here. Josh has a snag in his "gullet" and Joyce proudly flashes her gusset at the camera and asks if we can see it. Ghislaine is making hers a different colour from the legs, which... no. She also manages to sew it halfway down one leg instead of in the actual gusset place, then sews a cuff on the wrong way round. Her response to this is a philosophical "oh well", which is a higher commitment to slapdash than even I can offer. This blog will henceforth be written by Ghislaine. It was nice knowing you all.
The creepy be-nappied baby mannequins are dressed and presented to Patrick and EsMay. Angeline has a hole in her gusset and hasn't put the top popper on, giving the whole thing a really weird "low cut baby clothes" vibe which makes me uncomfortable. Jamie did his binding differently, which they don't appreciate because when do they ever appreciate someone not following the instructions? Ghislaine's babygro is more of a babygroan (THANK YOU I'M HERE ALL WEEK) with the missewn cuff and lopsided gusset and no poppers. She comes last, as you might expect, and Charlotte wins for not doing anything wrong. Well done Charlotte.
Incidentally, it's a really uninteresting week judging-wise. EsMay is being disappointingly non-terrifying and thus will lose her descriptor until she does something to prove herself worthy of it again.
For the alteration challenge, everyone is given a slightly different bridesmaid's dress and told to make a kid-sized thing. They are reminded that they're expected to, you know, actually do something with it and not just make a row of skirts like last time. "RIP IT WITH YOUR TEETH!" Claudia bellows.
Josh decides to make a gilet. "Is a gilet enough? Should there be some undergarments?" asks Claudia. "Well, I wouldn't have thought so," says Josh as Claudia and her ever-encroaching raccoon liner give him the most perfect You Are A Moron look I have ever seen. What he ends up producing is an Aladdin-looking maroon vest that, true to its inspiration, is too small to close on the body. If he'd made a fez as well, I'd be all for it. But he did not, and so he comes last. Then there are seven dresses boasting varying degrees of floof which don't interest me in the slightest, and the surprising winner is Ghislaine and her orange boxing outfit which I maybe kind of want even though I know that's ridiculous. Look, I just like orange, okay?
For the final challenge, everyone has to make a woollen cape. Sometimes I think I want a cape, but if I ever made one it would be floor-length with a massive hood and I would never be able to wear it anywhere. Jamie is making a tweed "gentleman's cape" which looks adorable, and then Claudia suggests accessorising with a fake pheasant and I am immediately and firmly Team Man Cape.
Ghislaine is using a freehand cutting technique rather than a pattern, but Ghislaine is clearly no Chinelo. She says she wants to take her time on cutting her scalloped edge and then immediately does it wrong. Oh, Ghislaine. Josh is making a Burberry-looking cape while still wearing his bloody backwards hat and it's just painful. Stop it, Josh. Stop it at once.
Claudia tells one of the models to ask her mum for a pet goat. I was quite drunk when I watched this episode (hooray for London Wine Week!) and was extremely tempted to ask my mum for a pet goat. Had I asked my also quite drunk boyfriend, I suspect I would have woken up the next morning to find a goat on my doorstep and then I could be having goat cuddles right now. It's possible that I'm still drunk.
Some assorted opinions on the final capes:
TEAM MAN CAPE. It's not quite finished but I don't even care. It is clearly the best cape.
Ghislaine's cape is made of nope, nope and more nope. Everything is terrible and wrong. It looks like the child made it herself using a rug, wrapping paper and PVA glue.
Josh has produced this really weirdly proportioned thing that made me burst out laughing when I saw it. The hood is nice but then the cape ends at, like, armpit level. It's a confusing piece of clothing.
Jade's cape has a fur-lined hood and pom poms and I WANT it.
Angeline wins again, which seems weird given everything else she did this week was terrible. Her cape was fine, nice godet and everything, but it doesn't seem quite right. I get that this isn't Bake Off and they reward the single best garment rather than overall performance, but if you've come second-last in everything else then I don't think you should get to win without doing something a bit more spectacular than "nice godet". Also TEAM MAN CAPE.
Obviously Ghislaine is sent home after producing two complete trainwrecks ("what really let her down was the babygro. And the cape"), which my head agrees with entirely but my soul is still scarred from Josh's backwards baseball cap and wanted it to go away. Also I feel like I should have a favourite by now but I don't. Somebody be interesting!
Up next: lingerie week. This could be disastrous. Must remember my popcorn.
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