Oh yeah, we're doing this. Even if it does mean I end up posting three or four times a week. I've always wanted to have an excuse to recap a TV show, because I am nothing if not an enormous dork.
Spoilers!
Incredibly twee opening over and we see our new state of affairs, with Claudia still Claudia in bright orange nail varnish that I WANT, Patrick as Patricky as he ever was, and May having mutated into EsMay, which I am going to call her for the duration of my recapping life because I can. EsMay is utterly terrifying. She seems like she could cast a disapproving glance at some wonky stitching and have it sheepishly realign itself, and then cast that very same glance at the person who sewed it and have them burst into flames. Also her ring looked like it would break your face. I approve.
As usual we meet our ten contestants as they begin their pattern challenge - this time a sleeveless bias-cut top with chevrons down the centre. A couple of them claim never to have worked with bias binding before, and I wonder the same thing I always wonder - are some of them told by producers to pretend they don't know what this fairly basic thing is, or are there actually people who've applied successfully to a nationally televised show about sewing without knowing how to do simple and necessary stuff?
In reverse order of ranking (I may have got one or two of these the wrong way round), we have:
10. Rumana, the junior doctor - front and back panels of different lengths, not quite matched stripes, unfinished armholes and bad bias binding. Fail on ALL the levels.
9. Josh, the footballer who apparently does tracksuit bottom fittings - popcorn box-looking top with upside down chevrons.
8. Duncan, with the Jedward hair - good pattern-matching, bad bias binding, fabric that was upsetting to me personally.
7. Ghislaine, who had to restart the whole thing because the judges who weren't telling her what to do told her to do so and make another popcorn-box top - again, good pattern matching and bad bias binding
6. Joyce, the grandmother sewing for 60 years - misshapen top due to overhandling fabric
5. Tracy, who my viewing companion took an instant dislike to - not quite matched and not quite chevrons, but points for originality
4. Jade, who puts tutus on her dogs and possibly everything else as well - fairly well-executed top
3. Angeline, who lives on a farm - picked a stripe covered in busy florals so it was really hard to tell if it matched up, which is an excellent tactic
2. Charlotte, who I have absolutely no notes on - must have done well to come in second, but I have no notes on that either
1. Jamie, who inspired Terrifying EsMay to say "Good luck. With that" in the world's most withering tone when he picked georgette to sew with - really well-constructed top from difficult fabric. Deserving winner.
The contestants talk about how pleased they are while Claudia wanders about in a coat that I WANT. I was not expecting this to take a detour into Style Icon Claudia Winkleman territory, I tell you.
For the refashion, everyone is given a fully-lined maternity dress in the exact wrong shade of blue - a slight alteration in tone in literally any direction and it would be lovely, but as it is it's that dress that sits on the sale rail and you walk up going, "Oh, that's a nice bl - nope" as you get within touching distance. I have feelings about fabric colour.
The segment starts with Patrick saying "There is so much material here, you could do anything", which of course is the cue for six out of ten people to produce dull-as-shit skirts, and the cue for Terrifying EsMay to intone that she is "really disappointed" in a way that makes my soul squirm. Terrifying EsMay also sets about proving that she can do both the terrifying AND the innuendo by telling us that, were she given this challenge, she would "stick a hole here and, you know, play." I am definitely Team Terrifying EsMay.
I'm not going to run through all the refashions, because this challenge sucked. Tracy's net curtain top comes last and then the next six are all slight variations on Dull Skirt which I could not possibly tell apart for you. The top three are Rumana, with some interesting orange strapwork, Joyce, with sequin godets, and Jamie winning again with his contrast bust panel dress which is actually a bit ugly and weird but also probably deserving of the win because at least he, you know, DID SOMETHING. I really hope this challenge picks up a bit next week.
For the final challenge they have to make a skirt to fit their model. Three of them pick circle skirts and I get a bit cross because that is literally the easiest thing you can do and it's fairly easy to predict that none of them are going to produce some perfectly executed circle of beauty so DO SOMETHING INTERESTING AT LEAST.
Some assorted opinions:
Josh's skirt is actually my favourite in terms of Thing I Might Wear.
Jade apparently really likes tutus, given the intro clip of the bulldogs, but it was quite a pretty tutu and people said "boning" a lot, so I have nothing to criticise.
Ghislaine's skirt is super wrinkled and sloppy-looking and I'm surprised that it's basically glossed over. I'm one to talk, I know.
Angeline is the rightful and deserved winner of Garment of the Week, making something that a) needed to be fitted, b) actually fit, and c) looked pretty.
Sir Duncan of Jedward Hair rightfully earns his place at the first evictee by somehow managing to create a fucking circle skirt that doesn't fit. With a wonky hem. And is ugly. Which is some kind of achievement, at least. HOW do you make an ill-fitting circle skirt? HOW?? He seems sweet though, and I hope he and his hair are very happy together.
All in all a pretty good first episode except for the refashioning bit where everything everybody made was terrible. I don't have any favourites yet, but since I generally have a "should win on talent" person and a "yes I know they're not very good but if they're sent home I will CRY" person in any reality show I watch I'll probably get overly attached to someone who makes a terrible pun next week or something.
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